bed rest sucks balls

it's been years since i have written. two things keep me from writing: 1) having too much going on in my life 2) having nothing going on in my life. today is a ball sucking combination of both.
tomorrow i will be 26 weeks pregnant. and i am modified bed rest.

before you start exclaiming how you wish you could be on bed rest, let me explain to you what modified bed rest actually is (in my situation, determined by my caregivers. it is different for everyone), so that i am not forced to want to punch you in the face for being so delusional and ungrateful for your own motility:

what i can do:
-lie in bed
-get up to go to the bathroom
-make myself quick food (and eat it)
-take a quick shower
-lie on my back with my head propped up
-lie on my side

what i can not do:
-sit up in bed for more than 15 minutes in a 2 hour period
-have sex
-housework
-out of house work (you know....have a job, an income, a sense of who i am in society)
-garden
-throw the tennis ball for my dogs
-stairs
-exercise, or even walk around the block with the dogs or husband
-drive except for doctor's appointments
-go to a bbq, sit in a lawn chair and "be waited on hand and foot".

so how did i get here? many years ago, i saw neil in a crowded and smoky bar. i thought he was really hot. then, 26 weeks ago, we got pregnant. absolutely nothing of interest happened between those two major events. i swear.

apparently i lie when i am on bed rest.

one thing that happened was this: 5 or so years ago, i had a pap smear. they found precancerous cells. i had them removed. i vaguely remember the doctor saying that there was a chance that the procedure could weaken my cervix, which could cause problems when and if i were to get pregnant. (the cervix holds the baby in, you know.) but i was reassured that they could just "put a stitch in there to reinforce it" and it would be no big deal. that doctor was a fucking liar.

because of this procedure, my cervical length has been monitored by someone other than the doctor i previously referred to as "a fucking lair". (insert big sigh of relief coming from all of the pregnant women who have always had a healthy cervix. this in normally when i hear "oh my god why hasn't my doctor been checking my cervix?!!??). and it was fine until i was 20 weeks. and then it was less fine the next time it was checked. and so on. what we have deduced is this: when i stand, my cervix shortens. when i lie down, it does not. since i actually give a tremendous shit about this baby, i lie down. but what about "just putting a stitch in there to reinforce it"?

that stitch is called a cerclage. you know when they do it? when you have a history of an incompetent cervix. you know how you establish a history of an incompetent cervix? you lose a baby in the second or third trimester. then they give you the stitch for your next pregnancy. gee thanks! (this was gleefully explained to me by another doctor that i use the swear words to describe, as well). they will also put a cerclage in if you are in a major emergency situation, like if your baby is winking and waving at you from your vagina. but anything short of those two scenarios and your ass is on bed rest and that is all you get.

now i know i sound pissed off and bitter, but the truth is that i am actually really grateful, too. i am grateful that i was even checked, so that i knew this was happening. i am grateful that i am just on modified bed rest and not "strict" or "hospital" bed rest (yay showers!). i am grateful that i have not actually gone into preterm labor. i am grateful that neil is just as amazing on the inside as i had hoped he was when i first saw him being all dreamy in that smoky bar. dude hasn't had a moment of peace since this all began. he has a full time job. he is finishing some household remodeling projects before the baby gets here. he does all the cooking, cleaning, pet management, angry phone calls to our health insurance company, etc. he does Everything.

what do i do? well, you saw my list up there. i lie in bed. i watch tv. i read at night. i fuck around on the internet. i listen to music. i watch the birds at the bird feeder that neil hung outside our bedroom window (see what i mean about the awesomes?). i watch the baby kick. and i examine my arms to make sure that i am still only just "pregnant large" and not "lazy ass fat". i incubate and that is basically it. sounds like fun, huh? i could be horizontal for a grand total of about 12 weeks. that is 3 months. think about it. still sound like a fun time to relax and catch up on your crafty projects? yeah, right.

(insert obligatory "if we are lucky enough to carry this baby to term" schpeal here).

so that is my day to day. bitter and grateful. grateful and bitter. not a lot of insight. Oprah would be so disappointed. great, add that to my "what i can do" list.....disappoint Oprah.