not okay

i am a creature of habit. i go to the gym every day. and i am pretty much always there at the same time of day. if i am by myself, i tend to lean towards the elliptical machines. i love them, but they are just far away enough from the 4 televisions that i can't read the closed captioning. it is frustrating, but i have found a solution.

you see, i tend to go to the gym during the most boringly televised time of day. one tv is espn. one is msnbc or some other news channel that has so many "windows" open that you can't even understand what they are reporting if you are two feet in front of the screen. then there is the one that shows Inside Edition, the lowest of all the low television. once, when i was on a closer exercise machine, they were "reporting" on a grandma that was beat up by some teenagers. i don't like looking at beat up grandmas. then there is the last television....my savior. it shows some kind of today show-ish show. i think it is al roker? i don't know. but they are always cooking! i don't need to be able to read the words below....i just watch the pretty food happen. it's perfect.

until today. some rat bastard changed the channel to the Rachel Ray show. She was interviewing the cast from The Watchmen. I felt bad for Billy Crudup, which is weird because i am normally not one to pick the side of the dude who leaves his 8 month pregnant girlfriend to be with this chick who he isn't even together with anymore (was it worth it, Billy?) and now she is marrying this dude , who apparently is famous but i never heard of him until the happy engagement was announced. yay!

Also, you would think that i would be all "oh, she loves animals and i love animals so we are total BFFs". she makes a dog food. it is called "nutrish" and it is crap. Her food is rated 2 stars out of 6. what i feed my dogs is rated 5. if i made dog food, i would actually make one that is good for dogs. and i would not give it such a lame and misleading name, either. that is how i love animals.
She may donate the proceeds of her slop, but she is not Paul Newman (~~*le sigh*~~). Let me be very clear about that. "nutrish?" puke.

and really, how many shows can be just about burgers? according to rachel ray, 42 is the correct answer to that question. i know this because i actually did a search and counted them myself. Next time you want to make a fancy burger, save yourself the annoyance of her mug and email me. greek? add feta. mexican? add salsa and feel free to garnish with cilantro. Indian? throw some raita on there and you are good to go.

do you see what i am saying, people? it's not rocket science. it is clever marketing. don't fall for her 30 minute undercooked meals. admit that things can take 45 minutes and open up your resources to other celebrichefs and books. your kids will still love you. You will not be 15 minutes late to work the next day. you can still consider yourself on the pulse of America. just quit giving Ms. Ray your money. she's got enough and she isn't earning it.

also, i would like to announce to the triscuit people that i will specifically not buy your product if rachel ray is on the box. that goes for all marketed packaging. rachel ray = no dollars for you.

daylight savings has got nothing on rachel ray. i will be waking up an hour earlier tomorrow to get to the gym an hour earlier and be home an hour earlier, safe from this madness. i will use that extra hour to make a 90 minute meal. i will abbreviate nothing. And nothing will be served on a bun.